


my favourite faded fantasy

by unrequitedexistence



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, berena - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-15 08:31:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8049400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unrequitedexistence/pseuds/unrequitedexistence
Summary: “You could be my favourite taste || To touch my tongue || I know someone who could serve me love || But it wouldn't fill me upYou could have my favourite face || And favourite name || I know someone who could play the part || But it wouldn't be the same”Leaving is the first step to returning. Serena runs into Bernie and Alex at the office and sees more than she wanted – but no less than she needed.





	1. Forget to Remember

Sometimes one needs to forget to remember.

Serena Campbell had made it all the way to the car before noticing that she had forgotten her keys at the office. She leaned against the passenger’s side that she had meant to open first as to get rid of some of the weight set on her shoulders. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and tilted her head back towards the sky.

A single drop of water fell on her forehead – _the universe’s idea of an impeccable dramatic effect_ , she thought to herself before starting her walk to the hospital. Little did she know that it was also the first sign of the deluge to come, both literal and metaphorical.

Lately she had been making an effort to _feel_ every step of the way. She had become conscious that following her feet instead of leading them lulled her into a particular state of mind that had the past overlapping the present, memories functioning as a thick filter to reality – which was disconcerting, to say the least.

It was no simple task. Routine fought relentlessly against the barriers of time, attempting to merge all the individual layers into a universal picture labeled as _shift_. It wasn’t _just_ another shift, though, not even _just_ another day. It was a _new_ one, full of potential that could easily be overlooked if faced on autopilot mode.

Serena remained alert as she crossed the ward, even if she could by now taste the generous glass of Shiraz that patiently awaited her impending arrival at home. It was medicinal, a way of numbing her fear and creating a safe haven where she could openly discuss whatever was bothering her… with _herself_. Every now and then, when it became overwhelming, she would drown her thoughts into ephemeral oblivion with an extra glass or two. She only allowed herself to evoke the _emergency protocol_ once per week, though – a few exceptions having proven the rule around the time of _the_ event, _the_ kiss.

She heard them before she saw them.

“ _You_ called _me_ , Bernie. I am _here_. What’s wrong with _now_?”

The tone was impatient, but not rude. There was a certain desperation to it, indisputable _longing_.

“I can’t just disappear out of the blue, Alex.”

It was not an excuse. Serena knew Bernie well enough to recognize when the other woman was avoiding something, even without looking at her. She sounded genuinely… _bothered_ , if not downright _miserable_ , about not being able to unassumingly vanish.

“That’s what _personal_ days are for.”

The door to the office she shared with the trauma surgeon was slightly ajar. Approaching from _just_ the right direction, Serena could see Bernie sitting on her chair and the other woman perched on the side of the desk that stood the furthest away from the entrance. Their posture told Serena that Alex hadn’t merely _showed up_ , she had been invited, _led_ , in. Their _distribution_ in space, their proximity… it was _intoxicating_ , intimacy palpable and _dense_. They were in their own little world and Bernie looked – for the first time since… had it truly been _forever_? – at ease, _comfortable_.

“I will see what I can do.”

 _A promise_.

Bernie leaned over, her eyes holding the other woman’s, _steady_ , no trace of anxiety. Their hands effortlessly found one another and their fingers tangled as if pieces from a puzzle thought everlastingly lost, a puzzle of _meant to be_. What had Serena’s throat closing, though, heart cringing, was the expression on her best friend’s face.

 _Devotion_.

There was no mistaking it. Even though she hadn’t been the recipient of it in a long time, it was impossible to forget what it looked like, what it _felt_ like, how it seemed to _morph_ the whole atmosphere, the entire universe – _you are all I see_ , _you are all that matters_.  

Serena felt the wind being knocked out of her. She had to physically cover her mouth to avoid her gasp from becoming audible. She wrapped an arm around her own stomach and took a shaky breath.

Alex was, without a shadow of a doubt, the reason why her best friend had been so _disconnected_ lately. Bernie had been waiting to hear back, had been undoubtedly questioning her every word and move, certainly going through an immensity of possible scenarios and outcomes in her head… and she had gone through all of it on her own.

Serena had been so distracted by the idea, by the _possibility_ , of becoming more than friends that she had, unintentionally, overlooked their friendship. The thought of Bernie wanting to reach out, _needing_ someone to talk to, but not being able to get through to her… it _hurt_ , it made her feel _sick_.

Putting on Bernie’s shoes, even if just for a moment, was incredibly sobering. The blonde had kissed the only person she had been able to open up to since having left the army to save a marriage she knew, deep down inside, to be long gone. She had admitted to wanting the kiss, but she had also confessed not having thought it through. It hadn’t been an _in the heat of the moment_ thing, but it had been a _thing of the moment_.

As Bernie had said, their sexual chemistry was undeniable. They seemed to be in sync and the way they worked together in theatre was a testament to just that. Then there were also the glances, of course, the way their eyes seemed to revel in the contact instead of fearing the bearers of the soul. Their bodies followed suit, leaning toward each other, rejoicing in the comfort offered.

The kiss had opened doors… to overthinking, creating a threatening distance that had Serena presently questioning the train obviously destined to wreckage that she had soon afterwards boarded.

She wasn’t attracted to women. She wasn’t in love with women. It was Bernie. Her best friend, Bernie, the _person_ she found herself caring a great deal for.

It certainly wouldn’t be as simple as the blonde had suggested when toasting to keeping it in theatre, but a bloody revolution was definitely not the solution. They had long ago taken the required leap of faith. They had long ago _established_ a relationship. The physical side of the matter was the least of their worries. There was pleasure to it, yes, _abundant_ pleasure, but there was nothing quite like having someone you can blindly trust – with your life, with your heart, with _everything_.

There would be no more casualties, Serena decided, and she was going to make sure of that.

 _You can do this_ , Serena told herself as she reached for the handle, _you are her port of call, you have her back_. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and then pushed open the door. _She needs this_ , she repeated calmly in her head as Bernie’s eyes met hers. She decided to ignore how the blonde swiftly disentangled herself from a clearly puzzled Alex.

“I am sorry.” Serena started, her tone tender and bursting with sincerity. She smiled kindheartedly at her perplexed friend before turning to acknowledge Alex with a cordial nod. “Car trouble again, I’m afraid.” She made her way to her desk and put her bag down before removing her coat and resting it on the back of her chair.

“Are you okay?”

The voice that broke the silence wasn’t the one she was expecting. She bit her lower lip, pretending to search for something on her desk before sighing apparently out of frustration for not having found it

“I am fine, thank you. Just a little…” She paused, searching for a word that would not induce unnecessary worry. “ _Frazzled_ , I would say.”

“ _Serena_.”

A thousand questions, that would for now have to remain unanswered, filled the space between the two.

“Go on, then. Before they think you want to stay.” Serena offered as she reached for the charts that were on Bernie’s desk, holding them to her chest. “You certainly deserve a break.” She added, instantly rolling her eyes at herself. “ _Right_. Must dash. I will catch up with you later.”

She closed the door behind her, sighing deeply as she held onto the handle. _You can do this_ , she insisted before straitening herself up, putting a smile on her face and starting her way to her first patient.

“Still here?” She heard Raf ask as she walked past the nurses’ station where he seemed to be studying a file.

“Made a mess out of rotation.” She replied, surprising herself by how quickly, and clearly, the excuse had come to her.

“Really?” There was suspicion in his voice and she could feel his raised eyebrow.

“Amongst other things.” She mumbled as she went through the details on the first chart. “Must be old age catching up.” She added once done, offering a dramatic gesture with the arm holding the folder.

Raf laughed.

Now there was a sound she hadn’t heard in a while. Ever since the accident with Fletch things had been… _tense_. But now, with a diagnosis, it was a matter of time before they started going back to normal.


	2. Brace for Impact

Alex Dawson had, in more ways than one, saved Berenice Wolfe’s life.

Distance is but a word, most of its physicality having been made redundant by the information and communication technologies. In other words, being far has never been this close. That is, unless you _choose_ to disconnect.

Bernie had known distance to be a two-edged sword before making the decision to leave. She had not been running away, at least not consciously, not _at first_. She had been well-aware of the cracks in the foundation of her marriage when the opportunity had all but landed in her lap. _It will be good_ , she had told herself, _it will provide us with a new perspective_.

Being a doctor was about the only thing she had ever been one hundred percent sure of, in her entire life. She had been born to do it and she was, without a shadow of a doubt, _damn good_ at it. Practicing medicine made her feel grounded, gave her _purpose_ , and so, in return, she offered her every patient all she could, all she had, all she was.

Out there, with the army, there were no distractions. It had given her confidence, it had _fueled_ her. That was why she had kept going back, tour after tour, even after having had children. She loved them, she loved them more than anything else in the whole wide world, but they also frightened the life out of her.

There was no logic to being a mother. One could say that it relied heavily upon instinct, just like her thriving career, but there was no anatomy to the emotional spectrum. It scared her how at loss she felt at times. And so she left, again and again, rejoicing in the unquestionable happiness of her homecomings, every moment a celebration, until the bitter taste of routine started making it impossible to remain indifferent.

Alex Dawson had arrived like a sandstorm. It was impossible not to see her, not to _feel_ her… _everywhere_ , not to _be_ with her. They had kept things friendly for a long time, bonding first over the devotion to their craft, then over their approach to life, soon over their fears, desires, regrets… They had created a bubble of mutual respect and acceptance around them, no judgement or pity admitted. It was… _cathartic_ , being understood, being made sense of.

Bernie hadn’t felt as light in years, as _alive._ It was as if she had been plugged back into the universe, life cursing through her veins, her senses wide-awake and craving stimuli. It had taken her back to when she had given birth. She had been overwhelmed, holding the world in her arms. She had kept them close for as long as she could, for as long as it was deemed appropriate. In a blink of an eye they were taking their first step and then opening the door and announcing that they would be staying over at a friend’s – and so had she, finding security in the anonymity of the desert and later on in Alex’s arms.

They had become lovers soon after one of Bernie’s family leaves. It had been an exceptionally bittersweet one, the blonde having allowed herself to miss them till it hurt and for the first time not hiding behind her apparently unbreakable shell. She had been in tune with her children, overflowing with a tenderness that had Cameron and Charlotte clinging to her when the time to say goodbye once again arrived. Even Marcus had reached for her, insisting on driving her to the airport, holding onto her hand until he no longer could.

Opening herself to showing how she felt made her susceptible to the sharp edges of her ephemeral condition. It had become painfully obvious to her that, even though they undoubtedly loved her, they no longer _needed_ her there. They had their own little routine figured out and, even if she did fit in, she didn’t _belong_. She was the surprise element, the beautiful and magical rainbow they knew not to expect to last forever.

Alex had remained solid throughout the whole thing, not pushing the subject but rather pretending Bernie had never been gone in the first place. There was nothing to talk about, to overcome, to move on from. Instead, they had _simply_ carried on, as if Bernie’s absence had been nothing but a dream. And so Bernie faltered, again and again, returning both ways until she was blown back into reality.

_It’s not what you think_.

Bernie had to swallow the thought that kept forcefully stamping her stomach, demanding to be declared above reason, above _all else_.

_Serena_.

Her voice had betrayed her, traces of the thought tangling themselves in the brunette’s name as it reluctantly abandoned her mouth. If tones had flavors, Bernie’s would have tasted of contained urgency.

The look on Serena’s face had Bernie on the edge of her seat, nails digging into her knee as she refrained herself from reaching out and touching the woman that seemed no longer uncomfortable by holding her gaze.

Something had happened, something had _changed_.

There was no trace of embarrassment or uneasiness. Instead, there seemed to be sadness mixed with something else that had taken Bernie quite some time to decipher.

_Deprecation_. _Disappointment_.

Serena wasn’t throwing it around though, she was setting its full weight on her shoulders while exuding comfort and understanding. Bernie wanted to ask, wanted to understand, _needed_ to make her feel better, but this was not the time or the place to do so.

She couldn’t help but think back to the moment when the idea of not kissing Serena had been absolutely unbearable, a stillborn alternative to sharing what words would never be able to properly convey. Her face had been as open as on this very moment, her heart clearly on her sleeve, on the verge of dropping. Bernie had been mesmerized by the sight. She had never seen anyone as completely unveiled stand as reassured, as _reassuring_.

Serena was gone as unassumingly as she had arrived, with a genuine and meaningful _you certainly deserve a break_. The tenderness surrounding the statement had made Bernie’s heart skip a beat she would gladly never again reclaim.

_I will catch up with you later_ , the brunette had added before leaving. Bernie was definitely going to hold her to it.

“Did I miss something?”

“Serena took over my shift.” Bernie replied, her eyes momentarily resting on the now closed door before coming up to meet Alex’s puzzled ones. _And possibly my heart, my life and everything else that there is – like you did all those years ago_.

“Just like that?”

“At AAU we look after each other.” Bernie replied, a small smile visibly tugging at the corners of her mouth. She was going to have to figure it all out before she ended up destroying yet another family.

She was not too late this time around, but to make it work she would have to stop being a coward and face the music. She owed it to Alex, to herself, to Serena…

She needed to be brave, to be _honest_ , to rip the band-aid.

It would hurt, yes, but it wouldn’t go on _hurting_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this was... a _roller coaster_ , and I am tremendously afraid of heights. Still, here it is. I took a leap of faith into Bernie's mind and I almost drowned. I don't know what else to say. I guess the mood will _lift_ a little bit on the next chapter. Hope to see you there!

**Author's Note:**

> I must confess I fear writing multi-chaptered fics. This one _feels_ different, though. It still frightens me, but when it presented itself it was already pretty much distributed. I have yet to start the second chapter but I know exactly where it is going. I hope you enjoy it. A few other characters will make appearances along the way.


End file.
